"Sleep doesn’t relieve my exhaustion anymore."
"

I feel I am not qualified to discuss the suicide of a man like Robin Williams because for a long time I have held the iron taste of death clenched between my jaws and been unable to either bite down or release and there’s too much bitter fucking irony that we children of laughter seem to be so much sadder than we show ourselves to be and I don’t know I don’t know

I don’t usually care about celebrities but everyone in my family kind of wants to snap themselves in half and all I know is that when my brother went into the blackness that comes in waves he used to listen to tapes from Robin’s early days and through those moments relearned how to laugh again and I think Robin might have saved my brother’s life a couple of times and

my momma said “i grew up with him” she said “he did so much to make us laugh but this isn’t funny” and her eyes looked so sad i felt like she called the rain to her

today at work we were supposed to start off the camp day with jokes and instead we just read out his words like they were a poem and somehow our hearts quietly broke i never met the man and i feel like all of our smiles have become a funeral

i heard that at disneyworld they set off fireworks in honor of him as if to remind us of the way he shone like the stars even in the darkness and that made me cry more than anything

because i’m a very small girl with shaky hands and a heart as bloody as they get and i’m always the one making a joke about something because they can’t tell you’re vulnerable if you just hide it and i’ve been fighting the same monsters inside that eventually found him

i just want to make this world a place where people aren’t so lonely i want to make it easy to find peace outside of a final sleep i just hope you know that if you’re thinking of leaving that people you never met are going to weep and it won’t be pretty just imagine how those who love you feel it will rip them open from their hair to their feet and i know this because suicide has taken so many friends from me please just stay with us okay please i love you even though you might never know me i love you because we are under the same sun and same moon and both of us have tasted the whitedark of depression inside our teeth

you are not alone tonight, my love. you have me.

"
- Live on tonight. That is how we continue the story. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
"If I died today…
There would be tweets about how good of a person I was,
You would all say how you loved me,
You would tweet about prayers to my family.
You would go to school,
They would make an announcement
And people would have a moment of silence for me,
A lot of you would attend my funeral,
You would talk about memories you shared with me….
But you know what really sucks?
More than half of you all treated me like shit,
And more than half of you all would play off like your tears are from missing me,
When actually,
They’re from how bad you treated me.
But you wouldn’t want people to know that.
It’s a shame…
You all probably don’t realise how much a person affected you everyday until they’re gone.
You didn’t realise that they actually had a purpose.
You look at their empty chair,
You have to delete their number out of your phone,
And the only thing you have left of them are
Pictures and memories.
If I were to die young,
Don’t lie and say you were my friend,
Don’t act like we were so close if we weren’t.
I appreciate the thought,
But don’t act like you all cared about me
Just to save yourself from feeling bad."
"

She called those who commit suicide cowardly and
I couldn’t breathe for a second because

In the bathtub of a hotel room, a 4.0 student broke open her veins and planted death where the skin split and lay with her head as far under the water as it could get but
the fear of the end
got too be too strong and she called for help and
it was cowardice that saved her, wasn’t it

and in the livingroom of his rich parents,
the football star sits and stares at the gun in his hands and thinks about just clicking the bullet into place
and finally getting this all over with but
he can’t stop wondering if this is really for the best, he can’t
stop the panic that rises when he thinks about the blackness,
he can’t stop the thought of making his girlfriend cry
until she collapses -
so he puts the gun down and leaves it, carries the idea of how incredibly soft he must be
if he couldn’t just do that one last thing

I am more grateful to fear than I am to any other emotion. It has stopped the untimely end of so many of my loved ones. It has been the only wall between them and a headstone. It has been proof they are unfinished - it is their body rejecting the idea that they are unworthy

because that fear? That fear is not failure. That fear is your heart, still beating, that fear is your lungs, still breathing, that fear is your bones, still ready to pick you up from the bottom and carry you to safety, that fear is your entire system rejecting the idea that you are unable to survive any longer, that fear is the primal part of your brain echoing through your nervous system just one whisper of desperation: stay. Stay. Stay. You are still capable of so much and so many good things. That fear is your heart, and she is waiting for you to remember love. That fear is your lungs, and they are still filling with hope every time you inhale. That fear is your bones and your skeleton, and he is so happy that you are the soul that came to inhabit him. You are electricity, you are synaptic connections, you are a beautiful creation of science and heaven, you are human - and some part of you wants to stay here, on this good earth where grass is still green and the sun still makes freckles on the faces of the people who turn to her and the moon still makes sure you’re tucked in sleeping and cities are still full of people kissing and you are still capable of dreaming

so take the biggest risk there is
put down the blade, my love,
go out and live.

"
- Someone told me: “I wish I had the guts to kill myself.”/// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
"

It’s July and my existence has been sixteen years of saying sorry before I speak. I’ve spent too many summer nights staying up late talking to boys that were staying up for other girls. I leave without saying goodbye. I’m in the middle of four different books. I can’t finish things.

I leave the shower with shampoo in my hair. I leave my keys in the lock. I say thank you when people say I love you. When people like me, I want to ask them why.

I’m sixteen and I’m too young to be worrying that no one will fall in love with me. I’m sixteen and I’ve spent a year in recovery figuring out that I don’t actually want to die because turning into a ghost won’t solve all my problems.

I never wanted to die, I just wanted to escape. So I tightened my fists, toughened my skin, took a deep breath and went straight through the storm to the other side.

Flash forward two months, I’ll be seventeen. I will no longer apologize for existing. I’ll be seventeen and it’s about time I told you, I’m not sad anymore.

The thing they forget to tell you about storms is that even though you can’t see sunlight for miles, it’s still sunny somewhere else in the world.

"
"

I hope when you peel citrus fruit
that it all comes out in one piece.
I hope that you have nothing to do today
so that you can stay in the shower
because sometimes that’s the warmest
and safest place to be.

I hope you let the sidewalk kiss
the bottoms of your bare
blistered feet after you’ve walked
far too long in uncomfortable shoes.

I hope the lights are all green on your drive home.
I hope the cashier looks at you like you’re beautiful.
I hope you have an appetite tonight and I hope
you have good things to eat.

I hope the walk to your car smells like trees.
I hope you haven’t forgotten how lovely you are.

We all have different definitions of a good day.
I hope you get some stuff done
even when you couldn’t leave your bed last week.
I hope you went outside even though
you didn’t want to see anyone.
I hope you at least have a day
where nothing bad happens.

I hope you have a day when you give yourself a break
because you need to remember that you’re human.
I hope you do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
I hope you do something for you and only you.
I hope you remember it’s not selfish.
I hope you remember it’s okay to eat.

Most of all, I hope you don’t die
because you are so many people’s reasons
to stay alive.

"
- 4:20 p.m. (You deserve the best, I hope you get it)

(Source: angryasianfeminist)

"When I told my parents about the girl
That slit her wrists in the school bathroom
Or about the boy who tried to jump from the school balcony
Or about the boy who claimed he was going to light himself on fire- and succeeded
They told me it was a problem with my generation
That we are fucked up individuals and we are doing this
To each other
And they are wrong
We are doing this to each other but only because
We don’t know how to deal with our problems
Because no one has ever taught us
We have always been told that silence is golden
And kids should be seen and not heard
No one is born to hate
We were taught it by our parents
And our teachers
And our politicians
But we were never taught how to love
So why does it surprise them that we take our frustration out on each other
Instead of speaking up
And would rather take our own lives at the age of 12
Than become the cause of the same
pain"
- 4amsuicide (angry writing is sometimes productive)

(Source: 4amsuicide)

"

my problem is my mamma raised me far too nice
to ever wish death on somebody, regardless of how much
they’d harmed me so instead i’m compiling a list
of odd karmatic punishments
for the assholes of my existence like

i hope the girl who ruined my senior year of high school
by bullying the hope out of my bones
has a bad hair day on every first date. i hope
the words she said behind my back tangle around
her head so when people meet her for the first time
they can see how unkind
she really is.

my mother and my father were talking in public
and a policeman asked her if she wanted the
‘dirty hispanic’ to leave her alone
and i really hope that policeman goes home
to heat that never works properly and that
the cold makes his bones ache, i hope the
warmth of my daddy’s sun never kisses
the sweaty temples of men who use their
position of power as an excuse to be racist

the man who hit me until i bled from the
corners of my mouth and who kissed me no matter
how much i asked him to stop better constantly get
his dick stuck in his zipper and i hope a large rash
develops because of it because maybe being
in constant pain will make him learn
some empathy

i want the teacher who told my friend joe
‘you can’t be a boy just because you say so’
to spill overheated 99-cent coffee on her ironed skirt
every other thursday, i hope it stains because
her words never washed out of his ears either

i hope the boy who broke my heart is
doing well, because i’m doing well too, but i want
the boy who broke my sister by promising forever
when he really meant ‘just until you give me everything’
to get a tattoo with a misspelling
just because i think it would be funny
since he was so afraid of commitment

the man who told my friend to kill herself, just get it over
should wake up to a leak in his roof
that has no particular origin and constantly drips
onto his face no matter where he moves his pillow to
because maybe then he’ll have some idea about
drowning

i hope the people who told my brother
he couldn’t succeed
solely based on his disability
constantly hit their heads when getting into the car,
i want them to blink back little black dots
and wonder what they’ve ever done wrong to deserve
this and then i want them to see my brother’s company
on a full-page spread because he’s twenty-four and
making more money than they ever did

my math teacher told me most girls are stupid
with numbers and i hope his wife is funneling large
sums of his money into an offshore account without
him noticing while my english teacher told me
he didn’t expect much because i’m not a native speaker
so i really hope in class one day
he unknowingly passes out one of my poems

and i hope if you’ve been hurt, your life has
turned around. keep your head up,
square your shoulders, trust that
the universe will find some way to sort things out. hold on
until your heart mends. regardless of what happens,
know that happiness
is the best revenge.

"
- I can’t wish true evil or true evil will come back to me but that doesn’t mean I want assholes to go around happy /// r.i.d | inkskinned (via inkskinned)
"I have physical scars all over my body, but it’s the mental scars I’m worried about anyone seeing."
- My Mind Is My Worst Enemy // Cicatrice (via wheremythoughtsare)
"

Dear every person who says that a mental illness is not
a valid reason for not being able to attend school normally,

Say that to the counselor, the school nurse, the paramedics,
and the friend who walked me to the office on the day of my overdose.
Say that to the kids who saw me sleep through first and second period.
Say that to the boy who sleeps in every class.

Tell that to my teacher who had to talk me out
of suicide on a school night.
Tell that to my bio teacher who saw
me break down during a suicide prevention assembly.
Tell that to the housemates who have heard
me call the suicide hotlines.
Tell that to my freshman English teacher who tells
me I look so alive now in comparison to
how dead I looked freshman year.

Say that to any friend who has had to talk me out of suicide.
Say that to any friend who has had to calm me down
after an anxiety attack.
Say that to every friend and follower that has
come to me with thoughts of suicide.

Tell that to the kids who have failing grades because
they can’t focus, the ones who can’t make it through
a school night without having an anxiety attack,
the kids who sleep right when they get home and
straight on until morning, the ones who
have more breakdowns a day than meals a day,
the ones who have spent more time staring
at hospital walls than school hallways.

Tell that to the kids who cry every night.

Tell that to the teenagers in psychiatric wards and treatment centers.
Tell that to the family of someone who has just committed suicide.

Tell them that school is more important than their sanity.

"
- 5:58 p.m. (An open letter to ignorance)

(Source: angryasianfeminist)

"

GOOGLE SEARCH:
Painless ways to kill yourself.

i. There is no painless way to kill yourself, someone, somewhere, will feel the pain.

ii. The internet says, “sleeping pills, you will fall asleep and never wake up! You won’t feel a thing!” When that is a lie, your stomach will turn to fire and your throat will fill with the taste of your own stomach acid. You will drown in your own spit. That isn’t even the worst party, it’s when your mother comes home from work. She will walk through the door, and call out your name. She will call and call and there will be no response, maybe you’re in the shower? Maybe you’re asleep? She will walk up the stairs, knock on your door to receive no answer. When she walks in she will see the lifeless body of her baby girl, lying on the floor. Her heart will stop but she will run to you with shaky knees, touching your face that is now still and cold. Her body will be on fire, and her throat will begin to tighten, the sharp pains in her chest will feel like knives in the heart. That image will kill her more than her own death, it will haunt her living years each night. She will no longer be alive, but just as dead as you are now.

iii. Years ago, your father showed you the gun safe he kept in the house in case of emergencies, you knew the pass code, you knew how to shoot and loud, at least you had an idea. They say a bullet to the brain will do the job.. So one night, when your father is fast asleep, you will be down the hallway staring down the mouth of a gun.
One, two, three..
Your father’s heart will jump and his body will follow, the first thing he thinks of is you. He will scream your name and run down the hallway and bang on your door. It’s locked. His knees begin to feel weak as he bruises his body trying to knock down the door, the first sight he see’s in blood splattered on the wall. At that moment his breath began to stop, and his eyes wandered to yours. Still open, but no more life inside your shell. He will drop to his hands and knees and scream why, why, why. There will never be a day he won’t hate himself, for keeping a gun in the house, for not making you happy, for not knowing. He will live a life without a son, live a life with an empty space. Live a life of hurt, and hatred for himself.

iv. You may think that when you’re dead and gone you will not be hurting anyone. You may think when you slide a blade across your wrist, you’re only hurting yourself. Yet I have learned that is not true, it’s not. The person who will find your body, the one who see’s the cuts, their chest will feel tight and they will feel like it was their fault for letting it get this far. The only mark you will be leaving on them is pain, hurt, and the question why? So please note this, there is pain in every suicide attempt, every death, every cut. You are not only hurting your life, but others too. Because you are cared for.

"
- i.c. // “There is always pain in death, maybe not felt by the one dying, but felt by the lovers of the deceased.” (via delicatepoetry)
"You’re allowed to want to kill yourself,
but you’re not allowed to do it.
You’re allowed to fight with your mother,
but you’re not allowed to to leave her crying on your bedroom floor.
You’re allowed to miss your ex boyfriend,
but you’re not allowed to say the scars all over your arms are his fault.
You’re allowed hate the girl who almost got you suspended,
but you’re not allowed to tell her that the world would be better off without her.
You’re allowed to stand on the edge of that bridge,
but you’re not allowed to jump.
You’re allowed to be mad at the world,
but you’re not allowed to blame it for the state you’ve put yourself in.
You’re allowed to be sad,
but you’re not allowed to give up."
- it’s going to be okay  (via pessimistiic)
"I never knew I was addicted, until I tried to stop."
- "addictions" (via weakflowers)
"If I told you
How many times
I’ve sat alone
On the shower floor,
I promise,
You’d cry too."
- l.s.f. (via despawndent)